A guest post from Dr. Mona Aerfield recent recipient of the Nobel prize in Physics for her work in Scientific Cinema.
It’s tempting in times of global turmoil and the fight against the Austeritons to forget the important advances in our knowledge of exobiology, thus it is time to talk about Moon Spiders. Now it would be unfair for me to reference directly the recent cinematic depiction of Moon Spiders as it represents a huge spoiler for said film, suffice to say if you google Moon Spiders you’ll quickly find the movie in question.
Now some have said the film depicts a fictional situation through means of fabricated found footage and this is true. There was no such Moon mission, however it would be a mistake to think this also erases the existence of Moon Spiders.
But what, you may ask- if such a lunar situated lifeform existed, would they eat? Well the Moon is not primarily a food producing satellite, while Helium 3 might be the tempting bait for the next series of explorations it is of little interest to Moon Spiders. In fact many have theorised that Moon Spiders excrete Helium 3 therefore accounting for its lunar ubiquity, personally I am unconvinced of the evidence presented so far, but retain an open mind.
Nevertheless, the lazy arguments around the existence of Moon Spiders are based on the ‘lunar nutritional fallacy‘. While we may imagine creatures that could survive on the Moon, spiders and their need for sustenance would seem to indicate they would not be the favoured species from a Natural Selection standpoint.
But.
This forgets the basic scientific reality of the Moon’s composition: 100% Cheese.
Moon cheese, a naturally rich and flavoursome savoury delight formed 4.5 billion years ago yet even today not inedibly mature or overly ripe. Yes it’s strong certainly, not for the fainthearted who blanch at the whiff of anything beyond a mild cheddar, but the airless environment & pitiless cosmic radiation lend it a certain malleability of taste that pleases most palates (and as it is a astro-geologically formed cheese it delights both vegans & non vegans alike)
So.
It is clear from a food standpoint the Moon Spider faces no serious shortages. What though of the atmosphere?
Thin.
To describe the Moon’s atmosphere as thin is to be somewhat overgenerous at best. It can be regarded as hardly there at all, as close to a vacuum as the toasters are to the Dysons in Currys. So what then could a Moon Spider do in order to respire? It’s fair to assume they do not possess rudimentary breathing apparatus manufactured out of Moon minerals, even if they did they would not have had them originally so where do they come from? Alien (to the Moon that is) supplied aqualungs? A kindly God? Who being incompetent enough to create a lunar indigenous spider that could not breathe then created little spacesuits for them? This seems an unlikely possibility, even when our knowledge pre-Moon missions allowed certain religious figures and scientists to profess this theory as reasonable and correct. However now with such an increased level of data afforded by lunar exploration we can conclude Moon Spiders survive perfectly well in the near vacuum by means of space trachea that allow radiation to nourish their living processes.
Sex.
Moon Spiders reproduce much as terrestrial spiders do, though will a penchant for grand romantic gestures & dancing to spider techno, qualities their Earthly cousins have yet to develop.
Threat.
What then of the threat posed by Moon Spiders to human settlement of the Moon? Perhaps though we should be asking what threat is posed to Moon Spiders by human intrusion? Certainly the pro-colonial politics of the recent Moon Spider cinema exposé represent an opening salvo in an ideological fight over lunar rights & the framing of historical hegemony. Do we have the right to disregard the territorial integrity of Arachnid Lunaris simply because we assume or perceive them as being inferior?
Intelligence.
This is the most controversial area of current Moon Spider discourse. It has become increasingly clear that national space agencies have engaged in a massive programme of propaganda to portray the Moon Spiders as inferior and hostile, thus priming the public to support a campaign of violent colonisation. Independent studies have found Moon Spiders to be operating at the level of intelligence of a human 5 year old, albeit an intelligence focussed primarily on the acquisition of cheese and the brutal murder of astronauts/cosmonauts. Provoked, the Moon Spiders defend their territory with malign efficiency, or haphazard illogic depending on how you want to look at it and who’s paying your salary. Thus some rapprochement may be possible with Arachnid Lunaris rather than a concerted strategy of hitting them with hammers.
The Future.
Humankind covet the Moon’s precious cheese, Helium 3 & minerals. The Moon Spiders call those things their home and warned of our intentions in the 70′s they must surely be ready to repel further illegal mining activities. While military & space agencies prototype spider proof suits and bigger hammers, some with spiky bits, it is for us to demand the political will instead be directed towards a trade agreement with the Moon Spiders. In return for rights to cheese, helium 3 & minerals we can offer the one commodity we know the Moon Spiders greatly enjoy yet suffer a severe shortage of- scuttling boots. Yes, while they have uniquely evolved to prosper on the Moon they do however suffer from appalling podiatric ailments. Moon dust, cheese and sharp rocks combine to wreak havoc on their fast scuttling feet & legs, the provision of 4 pairs of Grade A Moon scuttling arachnid boots to each and every Moon Spider would go a long way to opening negations towards a peaceful and mutually beneficial Moon future.
