
An Excited Oil Prospector Praises The British Queen
Noted PM & Nobleman David Cameron has bravely called out Argentina’s evil colonialist ways for its coveting of Islas Malvinas, er sorry The Falkland Islands (named after Anthony Cary, 5th Viscount of Falkland). At long last someone has had the courage to stand up to Argentina’s global dominance and imperial ambition, who can’t forget its expansive empire spanning the globe as capital was ruthlessly expropriated from indigenous peoples and used to enrich the Ruling Class and buy off domestic dissent. Why even now the Argentinean Royals travel the world having tributes payed to them by former colonies and tax shelters while back home the enriched elite build them a new yacht while engaging in mass programme of public cuts that will kill disabled and sick people.
I mean for a start if ownership of land (and islands are pretty well much the definition of land, as in they are not sea) is decided by who discovered it first and what nation it is nearest to (erm …) we can see the islands clearly belong to GREAT Britain because we discovered them first and it is right on our doorstep. Now you may hear scurrilous lies about the islands being discovered by Patagonian Indians or the Dutch and they are 12,349 km / 7674 miles / 6668 nm from the nearest British town (Truro). But these are, indeed, all lies. The sinister power of the sly Argentineans has even extended to all maps ever produced and even more alarmingly, all satellites and aircraft mapping the earth. And they have rewritten history so we are not even the first people to discover and name the FALKLAND islands (wot ho Viscount -who later invented the eponymous minty biscuit, TRUE) preferring a Spanish name Islas Malvinas (Spain, a nation suspected of poncing around the seas nicking peoples’ countries, unlike the charitable work of GREAT Britain’s overseas aid programmes, building schools, hospitals and roads for a thankful local populace).
So what next? Our plucky Bullingdon Boy has drawn a line in the sand, a line inspired by previous great leader and mother of Tony Blair Meryl Thatcher -star of her own documentary currently in cinemas everywhere- that when you are enacting great policies of social justice like saving miners from coal pits and children from having gayosity mentioned to them you sometimes need a lovely exciting adventure on Navy ships to make the population even more excited about how great your government is. So how will the swarthy dishonest Argentineans react? We have already seen they will hide their globe spanning imperial ways by accusing GREAT Britain of being colonial. Furthermore they will continue to oppress their own heroic former leaders, brave Generals who offered citizens exciting once in a lifetime nigh-time excursions to tour military facilities where they could take advantage of adoption services, free electricity and erotic adventures free of the politically correct tyranny of ‘consent’ with a variety of implements and soldiers. Now some say these former leaders made mistakes and it is true they did try and distract the domestic audience with an ill advised adventure to the Islands (but it’s bad when foreigners do that, ok, remember- bad when foreigners do it, really really good when GREAT Britain does it, ok got it?) but GREAT Britain would never deny their record on law & order as after all most of our senior government figures approved of them when applied by the visionary General Pinochet in neighbouring Chile.
You see the dark empire of Argentineness is full of great dangers to our way of life, they showed utter ingratitude to the IMF when it offered to help them have lots of lovely debt (not a mistake our top notch Chancellor, aristocrat George Osborne would make) and allowed slightly LEFTWING ideas to inform some government policies. Thank God (who is British by the way, nice Mr Gove’s new bible will clear that confusion up) they are a several thousand miles away, unlike the Falkland Islands which are of course ours by divine and right as they are really on our doorstep. It’s laughable really that GREAT Britain could even for a minute warrant a slur of Imperialism just look at the nearest island to us- Ireland. Now if we were colonial or interested in empire building Ireland’s history would be littered with endless atrocities committed against the Irish people by implanted British aristocrats with military support from the mainland. I dare any Argentinean to find a single inch of Irish soil that has any British interference whatsoever, and no, just like the Falkland’s population the plucky Northern Irish, well some of them, are not translated colonies but indigenous GREAT Britain loving locals who simply admire our fine traditions, sense of fair play and the Parachute Regiment.
So I ask you all to join with me in supporting our beloved Prime Minister and perhaps to donate some money to the lovely Queen’s new ship (it could make the subject of a future blockbuster like the King’s Peach or Iron Lady 2, British God Bless out brave film industry for standing up to Argentinean treachery and making films about ordinary Britons who rose from humble beginnings to lead our great nation into wars).
And if worse comes to worst and invading Argentineans swarm over our beloved Falkland Islands in the channel, I’m sure you, like me, will look up from our ration of Tesco gruel in our work re-education camp, smile at the G4S guard and join together in singing Rule Britannia and hope the press gangs will soon come and give us employment opportunities in the being burnt and then drowned fields, as we fight Brave Dave’s war of liberation.
[I would like to thank Niall Ferguson for historical help and John Humphrys for his independent journalist's eye in writing this wonderful article.]